Continued from ”Fake it till you make it (Part 1)”…
Now, it’s finally her 1st day.
We drop her off early enough to settle her in. We’re then told to sneak out. But I’m sure she noticed. Because I hear her cries as we make our getaway.
Felt like a dagger to the heart!
Now I’m at my desk crying like an uncontrollable 4-year-old. Still hearing her cries in my head, on repeat. My gut is telling me to be that annoying mum and call to check up.
I do so.
She’s not settled. Hasn’t eaten and doesn’t want to play. It’s been a while and she’s calling for mama. So they suggest we pick her up.
I had lessons all afternoon, luckily hubby had some free time so he picked her up.
She was still calling for me when her dad picked her up.
Felt like that same dagger had been rotated!
I contemplated going home. I didn’t want the kids to see me in the state I was in. Puffy red eyes and tomato resembled cheeks. I looked like the tomato face snapchat filter. However, it’s exam week. Test is tomorrow morning and most students’ brains only register that they have an exam the day before they sit it. So, I stayed. I stayed not because my boss would have been annoyed had I left. Not because I wanted to busy myself so I wouldn’t think about it. I stayed because I came to a conclusion. I stayed because, at that particular time and day, I would have been more useful to my students than to my oblivious less than 2-year-old child at home. (Who, by the way, was now at home having fun painting). I stayed because, had I gone, my students would have probably not relearned what I spent a long time teaching them.
So, I stayed.
But all I wanted to do was go home and hold her.
After washing my face with cold water, I sat at my desk, raised my chair and stretched a little bit. I opened my notepad and began working through my to-do list. My emotions were still in the same place, but I now told myself I was ok and she was ok and everything was ok.
‘’You’ve got this’’, I told myself.
So my heart was now in another place. It’s a very strange feeling, having your heart and mind in different places.
Forty-five minutes after I made that decision. I could hear the grade 7’s walking through the corridors. I greeted them at the door and had a task ready for them on the board. ‘’Hey Miss, you alright?’’ is something they always say as the walk in, but for the first time I heard it as a genuine question. ‘’I’m fine thanks, how’s your morning been?’’ I responded. I knew then that I was ok. The remainder of the lesson, I did not think about what had me in tears that morning. We just got on with it. From table to table. Revision of different topics. Answering the same questions in 7 different ways to 7 different people. It took a lot of will power. Now those emotions had shifted to worry for students, hoping and praying they’ll remember everything I taught them. Twice.
Fake it till you make it.
I repeated the above for the grade 8’s the following lesson.
PS. My daughter was fine and I made up for lost time when I got in from work.